The Art of Practice

Today I'd like to talk to you about anxiety.  I am pretty sure I have been concerned since the day I was born.  Not to say that I wasn't a delightful, happy, red-haired little lady, but I was worried a lot of the time, too.

 "Ginger Bangs"

I think one of my main goals in life is to not be so worried.  For me, that is more important, and more valuable, then a big time career or a fancy house or a truckload of money.  It will bring me more peace, and more acceptance, than anything else.

At its core, anxiety is the anticipation of something bad happening.  (My dog trainer told me that!) I think it has a lot to do with expectation, with fear of the unknown, with loss, and with imperfection, but I don't know how to put all this into words quite yet.

Something else important about anxiety: you cannot think your way out of it.

Let that sink in- I've been trying to THINK my way out of it for 30 years, and it has never worked.

As my Mom says, anxiety manifests as energy, and it has to go somewhere.  So it sits inside and festers and grows, or you find a way to get it out.

In college I acted in a lot of plays, and sometimes that worked.  In the past I have tried to think about it really hard, and talk about it a lot, but the energy still sits in there and grows.  I like to cry, too, but I've promised Steven I am working on not crying about things I don't need to cry about (like haircuts, ans going to the vet.)

Here's a picture for you- dealing with anxiety is like wandering around the mountains in a giant orange life jacket, even though you're 1,000 miles away from the ocean. Instead of picking wildflowers you're looking for sharks.

This is immensely frustrating to me! How do I take off the life jacket? Where do I put it?

It has been humbling to realize that I may always have to live with the life jacket.  That said, I might take it off every day, or forget I'm wearing it and just smell the mountain air and gather armloads of wild sunflowers.

This is the truth, my friends.  I've realized recently that the real work is not to pretend that anxiety does not exist, but find a way to accept my nature, manage it, and find ways to get that energy out. It's been daunting to realize that I can't just go running once, or eat salad a couple days a week, and feel great.  I gotta run a few times a week, I gotta sleep well and eat well, consistently.  My therapist prescribed MEDS: Meditation, exercise, diet, and sleep.  (The other kind of meds can be a useful tool, too.)

To keep with the mountain metaphors- self care is like a really great tent.  You don't go to Walmart- you buy one at REI with a lifetime warranty.  That said, the tent needs to be taken care of for it to protect you from the elements.  The more you neglect it, the harder it will be to patch it up.  But REI makes great tents, and they'll let you start over if you burn too big a hole in yours.

This is the art of practice.  Of putting in the daily effort to manage the stress and energy of the big demons. It gets easier.  And it helps to have compassion for yourself, a mountain field to walk in, and solid tent.